Long Time Gone

It has been almost two months since I wrote anything here. There were the last few days of student teaching, then all of the graduation excitement even though I chose to remain as far removed from commencement and almost everything that had to do with it as possible, and on to the (ominous music) job search.

Backing up though to my last day of student teaching it was really nice although my two sweethearts were not there due to illness/seizures. So my little man and my precious angel were absent on my last day which was hard because I wanted so badly to have one more day with them. Anyone who says that as a teacher you have to remain completely removed from your students is in my opinion not in this for the right reasons because how can you ever make a difference if you do not truly care for a child? Anyway, on my last day the assistant director bought lunch for me and the others in the office where my internship was at and then the outreach director had brought a small cake and cookies for me to have and share with whomever I chose. Very very thoughtful! Both of them as well as the "secretary" (she did way more than that - more like crisis control) were so kind to me and had made my time there as a student teacher both in the classroom and as an intern wonderful. I also learned to think rapidly around the secretary and to match sarcasm - survival of the wittest. :) Like when she made me break two copiers and I did not stick around to take the blame for the second one. I told her copying on card stock was not going to work in the photocopiers we had available but she insisted I try so I tried on the copier in the office and promptly jammed it incredibly. Thinking I proved my point I show this to her and am astonished to be sent to try again on another copier, I protest but am overruled so I follow orders and not only jam the copier but a piece breaks off when I retrieve the original that is stuck inside (leave no identifying evidence). Now I insisted it would happen again so there is no way I am taking the blame for this so I take my evidence, prop the piece back up, leave the machine flashing its lights, and abandon ship. :) Between laughs I tell her the other copier is broken and it is HER fault - her first question is if anyone saw me!! So anyway, my last day was very nice and I was sad to leave as it had been a great experience as well as the school being a big part of my college experience for 5 years.

On to the job search - everyone I talk to where I am looking for a job (I want to return to where I grew up to teach, not the town specifically but a general region)has been so incredibly negative telling me that schools are laying off teachers, I am never going to find a job, even one person telling me I probably wasted 5 years of college. "Everyone" is a term meant to cover family members and other contacts that still live in the area but excludes a few people who have shown faith in me. Well I had an interview opportunity in the beginning of June, traveled all the way there, and seemed to impress the superintendant of personnel. One minor problem - there was an internal bid for the job who because of contract had an advantage and got the position over me but had she not gotten it the job would have almost certainly been mine. Major frustration there. I have since applied to four other districts and completed a phone interview 10 days ago for a school district (the individual offered to do so to spare me the expense of travel for an interview) that seemed to go extremely well but I have not heard back from them. I continue to check job postings in the area as well as here but I desperately want to teach at Home as I miss my family and the schools tend to be better supported there.

I truly miss working with my kids every day, I miss the smiles and the laughter, the hugs, the interactions, the need to use every part of my mind each day, the challenges even, the celebrations over successes, the planning how to share in discovery, the excitement, the energy, the growth, the daily miracles of childhood, the unique individuals that you come to know and treasure and love. I miss my kids.

A short ride to insanity??

What do you get when you combine four preschool classes (about 45 children between the ages of 3 and 5), about twenty adults and a city bus? Any guesses??? That would be Friday's field trip to the library and a first attempt at using city transportation instead of school transportation for a field trip. The stress level was immeasurable as we had visions of trying to keep small children out of busy streets, seated on bus seats, of crossing roads with a pack of children, and of lost children in the middle of the city.

**Interesting note each child wore what I called an if found please return to name tag - the name and phone number of the school on the front, the child's first name and classroom on the back on a colored yarn around their neck color-coded to the classroom. Kind of like the keychains that let people mail you back your keys. :)**

So what was the result?? We returned with the same number of children (and adults) that we left with, although more exhausted, and everyone enjoyed themselves!! It was successful and actually much easier than the other ways fieldtrips have been done in the past using school transportation - and pretty cheap considering children under 5 are free! We did get some interesting looks from passengers as we marched in a continuous line onto the bus...most seemed intrigued, a few slightly unhappy about being invaded by children but the kids were incredibly well behaved! Also the children were thrilled beyond words about the bus ride - I think they liked the transportation adventure more than the actual fieldtrip part!! I was assigned my little man (Mr. Handsome) and he was all about the bus! The only drawback was that he can not walk well on uneven pavement nor can he independently do any stairs and he can not do big stairs at all so I had to carry him just about everywhere - to the bus stop, onto the bus, off of the bus, to the library, up the stairs in the library, down the stairs in the library, part way to the bus stop, back onto the bus, up stairs to a crosswalk over a street....and he is not a light child. Its a very good thing I love the kid ;) Boy did my muscles get a work out that morning but he had so much fun it was worth it!

So we had a grand adventure on the city bus, we explored the library, and we did so without major problems. One child almost got lost in the street but it was his father's fault as he was with us and assigned to his own child. The child has autism and got distracted by something so he wandered out off the sidewalk without his father noticing - his teacher noticed and did a rapid dive and no one was worse for it once the adrenaline wore off :)

Tomorrow is another great bus adventure to the museum - same group of children who were already excited on Friday to get to go on another bus ride and another field trip. It will be a shorter fieldtrip over all and I pray it goes as well. The kids are going to start to think these field trips are part of the daily/weekly routine and just expect them :) Between all the different age groups making trips to the zoo in April/May, the library trip, and the museum trip it has been fieldtrip central but so much fun for all the children - and so many smiles!!

Don't shoot the messenger!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, VERY bad day! I needed a white flag to carry around with me. Being a student teacher combined with being an administrative intern equals out to many people assuming that I can be used as a one person messenger service even when the messages are undesirable to the receiving party. It also seems to create a sense in the mind of certain people that I can be treated as subhuman and yelled at/be placed on the receiving end of an adult temper tantrum (complete with stamping of feet and waving of arms I might add) for things I have little to do with. I need a large orange vest that says "DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!"
May I also note that i was miserably sick yesterday (actually have been sick since Friday but pushed myself to work because attendance is a mess).

So yesterday I am asked to go help out in one of the four year old classrooms because the co-teacher was absent. The day before both teachers had been absent and their children had been scattered out amongst the remaining preschool classrooms. Anyway I am down there trying to help out and the teacher asks me to go to the office to see if she can leave early at noon. Warning bells sound in my head here. 1) her attendance has been beyond unstable (if she truly has as many kidney stones as she says she does we can start building a wall out back to rival the great wall of China - I hate to be skeptical but even she told me the drs said she should not be in as much pain as she seems to be) so I knew that was an issue 2) there were already teachers out sick that day and 3) that is so not in my job description. I attempt to protest without coming across insubordinate or whining but I fail and trudge down to the office. Beginning the conversation with the phrase "You can't yell at me. I am just the messenger so you have to promise not to yell or get angry with me." I ask the secretary and assistant director if she can leave early. Of course the answer I receive is no and they give me a return message that they have no one to cover for her, she has already missed so many days, the other teachers complained yesterday having to try to fit her children into their classrooms, and there is just no way and I was to also tell her to stop using me as her messenger. So with a huge sigh and really wishing to be anywhere else at that moment I trudge back down to the classroom and preface the response with "It is not my fault, I am just the messenger. You can not yell at me." Once I repeat everything including about not using me as a messenger she lets loose into an adult temper tantrum directed roughly at me. Oh let the fun begin!! I stand there and take it because really what is my other option?? I can't leave, I can't really yell back, and I can't tell her to grow up which is what I really want to do. So when she finally ends and tells me to go back to the office and tell them a litany of new claims I politely refuse and tell her she is more than welcome to go there herself and discuss it with them. The messenger briefly waves an invisible flag and ducks for cover. I have no idea what went down in the office but she left ten minutes later for the day. A teacher from the toddler classes was pulled to help cover for her and a teacher from the other 4-5 year old room was pulled to cover and I was sent to that room. Anyone else as confused as I was??

So that afternoon we have to figure out what to do with the children for the afternoon care as there are clearly not enough afternoon workers to do the standard groupings of children. After talking with the office and the lead teacher in charge of afternoon groups that day it is decided that the children will be divided into two groups in two locations instead of the standard divisions. Once again I am the messenger for this. So as we start to divide children for this the "master teacher" (my former cooperating teacher who has a major attitude problem) begins to have a temper tantrum. My personal philosophy is that she got angry that things were decided without her "permission" and so she decided to take it out on someone and the lowest person on the totem pole accessible to her was....take a guess...lil'ole me. So as we divide up children she starts getting testy (to be polite, she could have also been riding a broom at that point) because there are too many children in her mind for the two groups and she wants a third group. I, the messenger, have to tell her that there is no teacher for the third group unless she volunteers. *Duck!* So finally the large group of children enter the classroom where I am working with a *NICE* teacher reading stories to children and a smaller group is with another person in the gym and the broom flies off with her cackling friend. As the teacher and I discuss the transition in the room we figure out that sending such a large group to the other person in the gym is probably not a great idea because he has weaker control over the children and even though I was to go with them I was too sick to chase after them to keep them safe/following the rules. He means well but he spends his time getting the wound up and tends to forget little things like safety, rules, and making sure all the children are still there. :) Men! So instead of transitioning the children we decide to just trade places as a group - her and I would take all of our children to the gym because she is so good in engaging them and I could help without having to exert much and anyone should be able to come back to a classroom and read books to a small group of children. Once again a messenger is needed....anyone want to guess who that was? What, no takers? I risk life and limb and locate my former coop. teacher in the hall and explain that we are going to do this explaining what it is and say "only if it is alright with you". Well she goes into the biggest temper tantrum I have ever seen from an adult in my life. Literally she starts to stomp her feet and yell at me and she waves her hands in the air at times. Apparently "NO ONE" is asking her anything and I am most certainly NOT asking her opinion and she knows that he does better in the gym and I know nothing but what does that matter. Trying to be reasonable (and not to cry after the day I had had feeling as nasty as I did) I point out that I am asking her opinion and if that is a reasonable solution for her and she screams at me "No you are not asking my opinion!" and some other things that are kind of jumbled about what I was not doing right and then she throws her hands in the air drama-queen style and yells "Just forget it!" and stomps into the office. I was left in the hall totally confused as to what on earth had just happened and exactly why I was on the receiving end of that explosion. More than anything I wanted to call out "Excuse me, exactly how old are you? And you are in an administrative position here because..." However I had more restraint than that and I turned tail and scurried back into the classroom where the teacher in charge of rotations saw my face and asked me what was wrong - I explained and she went out to discuss with her what we were going to do. It turned out that everything changed again because the guy in the gym ended up leaving 15 minutes later and we needed to create a third group by pulling a third co-teacher from planning time. Interesting note, when I went into a classroom to get supplies for the third group that i ended up helping with guess what the CRITICAL work the wicked witch was doing that could not be interrupted so she could pitch in and just do the third group herself.....gossiping with another lead teacher!! She was standing there propped against the wall just talking about everyone including me because as soon as she saw who was in the room she froze and her eyes got bigger as she thought about what had just been said and if I could have heard it. Again my opinion is that I am older than that stage and if she is still stuck there than I feel sorry for her because I hated it even when I briefly saw it in middle school.

So in exchange for staying late yesterday when feeling awful I was given today off to rest and try to get feeling better. We bartered :) Also I think they were tired of listening to me cough. :)

I have also reached a decision: I will no longer be the messenger! It is not in the job description, it is not anything that my university supervisor/school director/advisor said would be required of me (she would be livid if she knew how i had been treated yesterday - she is out of town for the week but we may talk on Monday), and there is no need for me to take that kind of abuse from anyone just because I am "lower" than them. Also I am going to greatly avoid going into the classrooms of my former coop. teacher and the other teacher when they are there because I simply do not need to be on the receiving end of that stuff. I will try to see my kids when she is not with them in the afternoons or when she is out of the building. As for the other one I will just avoid entering her classroom or talking with her - too bad too because I used to think she was the sweetest person, I had known her from a previous practicum and really liked her, I also used to think she was a great teacher until I spent more time in her classroom this year and got to compare it to other classrooms (plus its another age group).

"Don't shoot the messenger!"

Never Ask What Else Can Go Wrong!!

Thursday was one of those days where we had several "oh crap!" moments. First we had a rather important (or at lease she and the higher-ups at the school/University thought she was important) guest at the school coming in that day to do a tour and observation so we were in a rush to make sure everything was arranged. This involved final preparations, making sure everything was in its place, cleaning (guess who got that job??), and giving tours and a song-and-dance routine to the other important and hoity-toity related guests that kept showing up in advance throughout the day. So stress level was already above normal. Then part way through the morning we notice a large group of people approaching the entrance on the security monitors.....there is a gasp from the secretary...and then she makes a shout to the assistant director that at first makes no sense to me. The agency that oversees at least part of our early intervention program and our funding made a surprise (and not desired at that point) visit to inspect and discuss some things they had on their adgenda. Panic now insues but this is a controlled, behind the scenes panic so we do not let them know we are panicing. Try to do that sometime - have a staff panic without showing they are in a panic running around to make sure everything is perfect, get the director to show up to deal with them, check on the child(ren) they are most likely there to observe, somehow notify teachers without arousing suspicions so they can be onscious of this, and engage the highest level of security checks we have at each entrance to give them a good show of security. YUCK!!! They ended up pulling IFSP files to examine (did I mention I did all those IFSP reviews from hades because in the past the school was documented because there were some problems with the arrangement and missing monthly summaries - very very few - in pulled files??) and then left to get lunch before reviewing their "findings" with the director. As soon as they left we looked at my review checklists for the files they pulled and about screamed - they managed to pull some of the worst files they could have located in the school!!! At least we can prove we are aware of it, we have notified teachers about it, and are in the process of fixing all of the problems by new procedures we have in place and the file reviews I completed. So we had the joy of their visit, their impending return, and the visit of the fancy guest still coming.

At that point the secretary made her stupid move, a move anyone shoudl know not to do...she asked "What else can go wrong?"!!!

Anyone knows to never ask that in the midst of a bad, chaotic day because sure as anything you are gonna find out exactly what else can go wrong. Not fifteen minutes later we are in the office planning lunch when we receive a walkie-talkie call from one of the 4-5 year old classrooms telling us to call emergency (911) for a child as she had just had her fourth sezure that day. Note it was only 12:15 and she arrived at school at 8:30. And we had reason to suspect she had also has a seizure on the bus that morning. So the secretary called 911, the assistant director called the child's mother, and then we had to figure out who was going to go with her to the hospital. The secretary could not go because she had to be there to do her routine (especially with the inspectors returning) and the assistant director kind of should stay to do her song-and-dance with both the inspectors and guests. So the director of outreach voulnteered to go but was nervous because she had never been in a hospital, never in an ER, never in an ambulance and had no idea what to do. She mentioned wanting someone to go with her and I volunteered willingly because 1) the child is a child I adore and 2) I happen to have a lot of experience in the whole ambulance, ER, hospital domain. So we grabbed her emergency info form and ran down to her classroom (this whole call, decision process took less than a minute). We found her with her teachers on her cot out of the seizure (they were all short ones) groggy but definitely coming out of it. The outreach director took notes while I asked the paramedic/hospital questions from the teachers and assistant (and every question I asked was one they asked so score for me!) and then we gently carried her cot out to the hall so as not to scare her classmates. Out in the hall we monitored her and she totally came out of the seizure state and was her playful-full-of-it self by the time the paramedics arrived. She was singing her version of songs, blowing and giving kisses, saying hello, clapping hands, and saying uh-oh and all done and laughing/smiling a lot. Apparently that is one way to get a lot of attention! :) The paramedics fell in love with her - it is impossible not to, she is a dollbaby! However we had no idea if she would seize again so once the ambulance arrived we loaded her and went out to it and made the trip to the children's ER. Her very stressed mother was already in the waiting room by the time we got there (she had called and talked to the EMTs while we waited for the ambulance so she knew her daughter was stable and great then) so the outreach director got her while her ed. assistant who drove over and I answered questions and kept her happy. She was the most cooperative, happy, loving child I have ever seen in a situation like that - amazing! All the drs and nurses knew her from previous visits and were amazed by how good she looked - she was so playful and vocal and happy by then (but we had to follow her emergency plan provided to us). We stayed to help her mom out and just give support for about 3 hours - I held my angel girl for a good amount of time so her mom could go to get her glasses fixed and pick up some of her regular meds while already at the hospital since we had to wait a while for them to fit her into the schedule for testing. Her only complaints were when someone was hooking her up to things she would say (and not loudly or angrily) "all done" and she would whimper if we forgot to give her enough attention. :) She knew that she had an audience and she did not want to lose it to "adult talk" i.e. us talking to each other instead of entertaining her often enough. When we left she was exhausted (she missed most of naptime) and her mom was doing well. The outreach director had to make a return trip with her wheelchair, backpack with supplies, and juice cup so she could have something to drink later on (regular cups are too hard for her). I was glad I could help her and be with her because in some way we have connected and I love that precious girl so much and I also was glad to be able to offer her mom whatever assistance I could even just by listening and caring about her daughter.

So at least I got out of the whole song-and-dance for the guest although I was in a classroom that afternoon when she came to observe and I thought - I a not a trained seal who puts on a show. Either she approves of what I do as a teacher of she does not but I am not going to do an act for her especially after this day. I guess she was satisfied because at the lectures given by her the next day (BORING! the first one was a subject I knew from my courses and the second was just boring - she had a monotone voice, the room was warm and dark....so I watched other people fall asleep :) I confess at least!) she had good things to say about what she saw although she said she did not have time to come to any real conclusions (I thought ma'am you took up our entire day - you could have had all the time you desired). She also seemed to think she was brilliant - I think if you are brilliant you are smart enough to know there is still so much you don't know that you never claim to be an expert or present yourself as brilliant - and made grand claims about children. I want her to spend a week with some of our children and then talk to us - like my firecracker, my purple princess, and my 1/2 M and even Bug. :)

So Thursday was exciting, I learned a lot, and I got to hopefully make a very stressful and scary day a little easier for one precious angel and her incredible mother.

Its Raining...Rocks?

The closer it comes to graduation the fewer entries I find myself writing in here. Also since I am not consistently spending time in any one classroom it is too difficult to write about time spent in classrooms without using the names of children which I refuse to do - personal information is confidential even if just first names were to be used! I realize the name of my University, my location, and the name of the school have not been written but its still not right to use names of children publicly without permission.

Anyway, today I was working with the oldest children at the school - the 4 and 5 year old classes which were combined today due to teacher absences. So we had just been outside on the playground and come inside so the 3 and 4 year olds could play. However there was a fire drill (we saw it coming and grabbed jackets before entering the classroom...too hard to explain) so we had to re-exit the classroom and go back out to the playground. Once the fire drill was over the three year olds were allowed to play and I was assisting the older children in lining up to go back inside. All of a sudden something smashed into the side of my head right behind my temple and I simultaneously saw stars (ok flashes of light) and heard a loud cracking sound. About a milisecond later a pain smashed into my head as well and I grabbed the side of my head and unfortunately those stupid tears began to fall. I turned to see what had just crashed into the side of my head hard enough to cause a lump to start forming immediately. As I turned the only child I saw on that side of me for about 30 feet was my firecracker and he was running away. I then realized that the only object on the playground able to do that kind of damage would be a rock (dirt would not do that, a branck would have hit differently, and a toy would have been noticable when I looked around) and there is only one child who 1) has the behavioral pattern of throwing rocks at people unprovoked (or provoked for that matter) 2) was in the area and 3) has the strength needed to throw it the distance and angle needed to hit me in the head. That would be my firecracker. (side note he is still alive and well - I deserve something for that fact alone) But anyway I am standing there with tears running down my face and holding the side of my head. One of the aids asks me if I am okay - now does anyone else want to say "what do ya think?" at this point- but I appreciated her concern and shook my head no. I then explained the rock-versus-head thing and there was suddenly interest by other teachers (although not the teachers of the three year olds and not anyone responsible for my firecracker-turned-David who almost took out an inncent Goliath) who insisted I go to the office. Office meaning ice, quiet, and no little Davids sounded good to me. So I went to the office still with my annoying tears escaping a bit, and got ice and had to sit there. The director (also my student teaching coordinator, my student teaching seminar professor, and my advisor) came down and tried to convince me to go to student health (I would rather give my little David a second shot at me) or the ER (come on I am not dying here, just a mild concussion at best and I have been there, done that before) but I talked her out of that. A bit of ice, three tylenol, some quiet and all I have left is a headache (don't bend over or move too quickly), a large bump, and bruised dignity. Ugh, this child is seriously trying to kill me before I graduate!!! I love him, I really do and I don't mind working with him but why on earth did he blindside me like that today??? And why is it that the children who are the most aggressive, most unpredictable, and most likely to injure someone are the strongest and have the best aim????? Is that some freaky law of childhood and who decided on that one??? :OP

I also finished the new children/family lending library at school which was a HUGE amount of work (I mean enormous) and then realized that for the next month my job duties now include playing librarian and reshelving books every morning. YUCK! No where did i sign up to be any of the following: librarian, secretary, kitchen aid, janitor, photographer, personal assistant, gopher. I thought i was student teaching - I assumed that meant teaching, meant children and lessons and books, paper, stickers, goals, art, paint, glue, playdough, blocks, dolls, dress up clothes, blankies and babies, and well Teaching!! I am not complaining - okay I am complaining a little because I thought student teaching would involve teaching the same children consistently and learning from the experience, gradually becoming a teacher and practicing while there are still safety nets. All I have learned about teaching is as follows:
1) Never underestimate the strength of a small child - NEVER!
2) Duck first, ask questions later
3) How to hold down arms and legs at the same time and dodge a head coming back to smash into you
4) Calming down an angry child is sometimes like hostage negotiations or talking down a suicidal person
5) Listening to a child can make a huge difference in behavior, learning, and their trust *
6) Children who are not challenged can go two ways - they will either create challenges for themselves to learn or they will create challenges for you to make you learn
7) Never turn you back on an unpredictable child even if someone else is responsible for watching them
8) Red marker on a pull up is not a good idea
9) Examine all objects before placing them in a classroom for their potentiality as a weapon
10) Making reading interactive turns circle time into an exciting time*
11) Do not be afraid to challenge children and encourage them to go further even if you need to provide a lot of scaffolding *
12) Small children can run - FAST - even when turned around to stick their tongue out at you
13) Children are made out of some strange substance that allows them to bounce a lot more than adults do - they can fall, crash, run into walls and keep going
14) Sometimes a child curled up on a toy shelf is actually not a bad thing
15) teaching Assistants can be more trouble than they are worth
16) A great lesson is worth the extra time compared to 5 okay lessons*
17) Be creative, make lessons fun and allow children to explore things in new ways*
18)Learn to duck, dodge, and deflect
* Things I learned on my own with no help from my co-op teacher

Well those are my thoughts right now. My head hurts :P I really wish we could convince the family of my firecracker-David (**David is not his name but refers to David with his slingshot and a rock taking down Goliath) to become involved in a behavioral assistance program for both the child and the family because it is SO needed. He seems so confused and just filled with emotions he has no control over - its hard to be angry at him when he really seems unable to control what he does most times. More than him I am angry with his family for ignoring his problems for so long in spite of the massive incident reports, evaluations, and notes they have been provided about his aggression and behavior. Denial is one thing but when he is going to seriously injure someone its something else.

One head-achey, frustrated, confused student teacher :)

Long Ago But Not So Far Away

I think I may have missed a few days in writing here....just a few :) Things got insane my last few weeks of teaching in the classroom and once I took over everything I had little to no time for myself - it was teach, prepare lessons/materials, seminar assignments, and sleep - repeat as needed. I solo taught for ten days but of those ten days few were as they were supposed to be. Due to a family emergency my lead teacher was gone for the last week of my student teaching so she missed 5 days and then she was out of the classroom another 2 mornings which is when all of the academic activities occur so she observed me teach 3 out of 10 days. How helpful was that - I am supposed to be working WITH her and she is not THERE. This was a pattern for my experience, she would be gone an average of 2 days a week which was not helpful and she rarely gave me any feedback on things I did. So by the end I had no idea how she though I had done, how anything I ever did went in her opinion (unless I really worked to get feedback), or what her recommendation woudl be like. **Note she has still not completed my final evaluation three weeks after my placement there has been completed** Thankfully my supervisor who observed once a week provided awesome feedback with very specific comments and notes - down to quotes!- and gave me copies of all of her observation notes to keep as well as going over all of them with me. She seemed really confident in my abilities and thought I was highly successful so that is reassuring!! Also she saw growth over the time period which is what is supposed to happen - it was in fine details but it was there. That is what I needed from my teacher as well - specific feedback reliably. Oh well!! I was also talking with another teacher from a different classroom on the playground this week when I went to go visit "my kids" and just help out on my own time and she made some really positive comments about me teaching that made me feel really good. Its one thing for someone who is specifically watching you to see things but another for someone who is just in the environment to see positive things and comment on them to you. She was saying how she could tell that I really liked what I was doing and how good I was at it - how much patience I had with my firecracker (which is odd since I always worried that I was not patient enough with him and that I needed to be more calm and patient). We also talked about how she would sometimes ask people working there at practicums and such if this is really what they wanted to do because it takes so much from you but she could tell this is what I am good at which is amazing to hear and I was telling her how much I love it, that it is the one job I can imagine getting out of bed each day to do and I would want to do it even if it was not a paid job. Overall it was a wonderful conversation and it was such a blessing to hear from someone who just noticed me working with my kids saying positive things about my abilities and skills at the "career" (its more than a career, its a commitment of sorts that is hard to explain because you commit to give so much to children who have such needs knowing that it will be hard work with many frustrations and for great rewards in terms of the heart in many cases but little financial rewards) I love to do.

So, back on track, my last two weeks of student teaching when I was solo teaching were nuts. Tuesday of that week my firecracker at circle time decided to become a pro-soccer kicker only he did not aim at a ball. I had him beside me because of his propensity towards sudden aggression and he had done well all circle but I had to turn my back briefly to collect the beanbags we had used during the story. There were two other teachers and a (no comment) educational assistant present so I thought it was safe to gather the beanbags. Bad thought. In the 15 seconds I had my back turned he kicked my perfectionistic princess as hard as he could in the mouth (he was standing, she was sitting so it was a perfect alignment for this unfortunately). I heard that scream that as a teacher you NEVER want to hear, that child scream that says I-am-hurt-and-it-is-serious-way-more-than-a-bump-and-there-will-be-blood-or-something-broken and makes your heart panic. I turn around to see My firecracker getting ready for a repeat performance and my princess with her hands covering her mouth and blood running down from them onto her white (of course white) shirt. OK, GREAT! My second day solo teaching, the other two regular teachers are out of the room so there are two substitutes and I have just "allowed" a child to be seriously hurt. These thoughts flash through my mind in less than 1 second. One of the substitutes who works in the office grabs my princess and runs to the sink and I grab my firecracker who in a flash is a mess of flailing arms and legs. So now I feel like a teacher punching bag and the kids look scared to death but to their credit none of them makes a sound or moves a muscle. I calmly (or as calmly as possible with a bleeding child at the sink and a flailing child trying to injure me in my arms) instruct the rest of my children to go to get their coats on and to please remain over by their coats. With one more prodding they get up and actually do this, to my amazement and a lot of praise. This leaves me to wrestle with my firecracker and within a few seconds I have his arms and legs in a safe location so that I am not going to add to my list of bruises. My princess is rinsing her mouth out at the sink and the verdict is a cut/bruised lip but thankfully all teeth remain - I can take a cut lip as long as she still has her teeth!! The sub. cleans her up, gets an ice pack, and changes her shirt while I deal with the firecracker and assist with the rest of the children (unsure why between the other teacher and the assistant they can not manage this on their own). I have to ask the children to please remain by their cubbies a few times and once my princess is back, changed, and calm with her coat on they go outside.

Meanwhile I have a "conversation" with the firecracker. I explain to him that he can not hurt my friends and that this time he really hurt her - he hurt her mouth and made it bleed. His eyes get wide but its hard to tell if he is scared or actually excited by this idea and that scares me. I firmly tell him I will not allow him to hurt anyone else and explain what will happen if he does - which unfortuantely is not much due to the limitations of behavior management - and ask him why he kicked her. He said because he does not like her and he was angry. This leads to a brief discussion on rules of I dont care if you dont like her you can not hurt her and if you are angry you may go to the book corner and kick the pillow but you may not kick a friend or a teacher (self defense here!). I then ask him if he is going to hurt someone again and he says yes. OK, this is wonderful. I can not technically do a full timeout but I don't feel right letting him go outside right away and letting him pick from an array of victims when he honestly tells me he is going to hurt someone again (he is aggressive but honest most of the time). So we sit while everyone gets their coat on because "he can't be nice to his friends, he hurt them so he has to wait until they are all done". Once they go outside we pick up the beanbags he kicked over then go get his coat on and I remind him why we had to wait. Then I take him outside and remind him that he can not hurt his friends and tell him what the consequence will be (rules or not if he does it again he will sit down with me for a while - two strikes and your out is my policy for the day since he tried to take her teeth out with his shoe). Thankfully he does not follow through with his statement, probably because he can tell I am serious and not going to let him continue.

The last week of student teaching was nuts because the lead teacher was gone (not her fault) so we either had a variety of subs rotating in and out or it was just me, the co-teacher, and the ed. assistant (resisting comment). Those days we often skipped activities (not my idea but I did not feel comfortable saying no to the co-teacher as she was the classroom teacher and I was only a student teacher) so I missed teaching a lot of the activities I had planned. Friday of that week we had an all-day Dr.Seuss party which was fun but chaos. It started with a breakfast where we first read Dr. Seuss books to all of the preschool kids, then they all ate a breakfast of green eggs and ham (turkey bacon to be culturally appropriate) with juice, donuts, milk, and fruit. Then for art we made Dr. Seuss Cat in the Hat hats. At circle we read more Dr. Seuss books. After nap was the other half of the party where there were more green snacks - and more sugar- than you can imagine. The gym reeked of sugar the moment you entered. There were chips with green dip, green fruit punch, green frosted cupcakes, green frosted cookies, green jello, green sherbet, green fruit snacks, green frosted chocolate cupcakes, and more green things I can not remember. After eating the now-sugar-driven children ran around the gym and listened/danced to music until it was time to go back to classrooms (unfortunately it rained so running outside was cancelled) to play. The teachers also dressed in Dr. Seuss colors like the kids (red and white) or pajamas that day - I did not do either since red does not work with my hair and being a student teacher I was not sure if I could get away with pajamas if my supervisor or the director came down to observe me. So it was fun, wild, chaotic, and WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR!! The children smelled of sugar the rest of the day :)

Now I am interning in the office of the same school doing "service provision" which basically transcribes into doing everything and anything they need me to do. I have been doing these 6 page checklists examining IFSPs for all necessary components to prepare for inspection in August - its interesting in a way but after a few your eyes cross, you begin to get bored, and eventually you start to miss things. Also so far I have played secretary for a day (answering phones, operating the security doors, working the desk, data input), hung off of the second floor balcony to take pictures of the playground for the website, checked shirt sizes of children to figureout what size school shirts to order for re-enrollment and sale, attended a board meeting (where I was bored only because i had no idea what they were discussing most of the time and I had to sit still while bored for close to 2 hours), and substituted in the toddler classrooms. Mainly I have seen way more paperwork than I ever wanted to but its alright, tis part of the job and I will know better than anyone how to put together and set up an IFSP by the end of this!!

They're coming to take me away.......

They're coming to take me away Ha Ha....They're coming to take me away....

I can not even come up with a duct tape rating for today because we would have to buy in bulk and bring in a wheelbarrow to hold all of the rolls of tape. Officially this may qualify as the worst day of teaching ever - counting my days over the summer one year and at the daycare in town here as well as practicums. It was truly solo teaching as the lead teacher was out all morning doing her weekly routine and the co teacher was out sick - there were two others in the room with me (one the tuesday person who fills in but tends to not be real sure of what to do, the other a teacher from the toddler rooms) but neither was able to take charge or do much more than assist most of today. And of course the lovely educational assistant was polite but did not lift a finger to do anything to help me except when her boss showed up and then suddenly she could not do enough - go figure!

It was one of those days where chaos is too kind of a word as children are deterined to remember every rule ever articulated to them and set out to break it. Giggle Girl was not as clingy today but instead decided to revolt and develop an attitude - this attitude came complete with throwing objects (sand, leaves, toys), refusing to follow directions, and talking back to teachers. Lovely, just what I needed today was another child with an attitude! At times she was her sweet usual self but then she would get this attitude/defiance thing going and just refuse to listen to my words, to follow the rules and even would become aggressive (mild compared to some of her peers but still aggressive). Bug was just my little bug - all attitude, all the time! She climbed on everything, ran like crazy around the room, grabbed other peers' objects, threw toys, tried to grab food at meals and dump it, dumped out her drinks at meals, refused to sit for any activity - you see the pattern here. Yet she did give great hugs, lots of smiles, good requesting, and took a nice long nap without being rocked to sleep (the assistant has insisted on rocking her to sleep the past 6 weeks so now Bug thinks this is how it is going to be - she is 4, no one else gets rocked to sleep so we need to stop this). 1/2 M was very vocal about her desires, she had her own little tantrums, a few items went flying, some tears shed, some hitting peers - basically an M day. Dinosaur boy about drove me out of my mind - outside a peer (my firecracker) rubbed his cheeks which apparently he did not like so he started crying. I talked to the peer and reassured Dinosaur boy that it was alright, that I was sorry it happened and gave him a hug. He continued crying as we walked inside, as we took of coats, as we sat down for circle, as we struggled to get everyone to circle/a safe location, as we took deep breaths to relax, as we sang songs, as we washed hands for lunch, as we sat down for lunch. He cried for a minimum of 25 minutes!!! NOTHING I said or did worked with this child so I ignored it. Finally the regular teacher came in and pulled him aside for a few words because she was tired of listening to it from down the hall!!! Ugh!! That can't look good for my evaluation but I tried everything I know and then some!! My purple princess was back today and emotional is a good word for her - I think if you looked at her the wrong way it would have set her off into one of her screaming/crying/running/hand-flapping fits (don't ask about the hand flapping but I noticed as she runs screaming and crying she flaps her hands - no idea why). So literally every 10 minutes or so she would have an outburst (sometimes like every 5 minutes) that would last from 1-5 minutes depending on if she would let you cofort her right away. Naptime with her was interesting - I swear i am going to have a psychoherapy degree before i am done here because again before she would lay down we had to discuss many things including whom I loved (her, all her peers), who loved her, that she was safe, and what was bothering her/her emotions. So after diving into the emotions of a very upset 3 year old and finding things that should never be there we surfaced and she laid down. I then rubbed her back for like 40 minutes and she was still awake so in desperation I wrapped her up in her blanket, held her in my lap tightly, and rubbed her face - she was asleep in 5 minutes. No she did not fall asleep on her cot this time but she had a 3 day weekend, she was wound up tighter than anything, and she NEEDED that nap.

So that brings me to my firecracker, my child who has crossed the line from aggression to violence in my definitions. I am still freaked out about yesterday's simulation of slitting a peer's throat done with perfect accuracy - that is creepy. Today in the bathroom when I was changing him he mentioned scary movies so I asked him where he watched scary movies, then if there were bad guys on the scary movies but hs answers did not really tell me much about where this bad guys/violent acts thing comes from except he said he watches bad guys on TV and a scary movie with a robot with on eye at his grandfather's house. So during circle time he has a little trouble with aggression but it is normal aggression - one each of hitting, laying on/pressing down on a peer, kicking an object - and it is immediately handled. So at the end of circle I am collecting beanbag crayons that we used during the story having the children name their color as they put it away and he is out of my direct sight - afterall there are 11 children and I can not be a 1:1 teacher for him. All of a sudden I hear my pink (perfectionistic) princess let out that scream you never want to hear - that scream that tells you they are hurt, that they are hurt more than a bump and that it is bad. So I turn around in time to see firecracker standing in front of her arms crossed and blood running down her face from her covered mouth and onto her shirt. One of the other teachers grabs her and runs with her to the sink while I grab my still aggressive looking-for-a-fight firecracker. The pink princess ends up with a bloddy mouth from her teeth being forced into her lips and swollen upper lip so the teacher rinses her mouth until the blood stops, changes her shirt, and gets an ice pack. Meanwhile I have one seriously angry boy on my lap and 9 other children staring at me. Trying to sound calm I direct them to go get their coats to go outside and stay over by their cubbies please. So then it is firecracker and I alone in the circle area and I am holding kicking legs and flailing arms trying not to get beaten. After a minute of talking calmly he relaxes enough that I can let go of his limbs (but not him) and we begin to talk about what happened. I ask him what he did and he very directly tells me what he did "I kicked her". When asked why his answer was "I angry and I kicked her in the mouth". So I firmly told him that we can not kick our friends even if we are angry, that he hurt her badly and that her mouth was really hurt, that it hurts our friends to kick and hit them and I will not let him hurt my friends (etc. the speech goes on and repeats). I asked him if he could play nicely when we went outside or was he going to hurt his friends again and he responded "I gonna hurt them again, I angry and I gonna hurt them". Wonderful because there is a no time out policy so I can not keep him separate from his peers for any length of time. We did however wait until all of his peers had gotten their coats on and gone out the door before we got ours because he "could not be nice to his friends" and so we had to wait until they were outside to go over. Yet we were outside within 30 seonds of his peers leaving and he missed no play time so it was not a time out - he got the message though and it seemed like a time out sitting watching friends put on coats thinking he would have to wait. Also he was told if he hurt anyone outside he was going to have to stay with me on the playground. The rest of the day he alternated from "kind" to aggressive as he had that morning but circle time was his peak - thankfully!! I don't know how I feel about sending a child who flat out tells you he is going to hurt a peer into a group of children to play - it seems like asking for a child to get injured because he is honest and will almost always tell you exactly what he did and to whom so if he says he will hurt someone I trust him.

Positives: Little man was in the best mood I have seen him in a long time just talking so much, laughing, and being silly! He was a little sunshine in the chaos! Redman is always sweet and loving, gentle and precious so I can count on him to be there for a hug and a smile! Pink Princess was a help today in little ways and got over being hurt really fast especially since blood got onto her shirt (something that would normally have sent her over the edge for ever). Ya was really good today, just happy and followed directions. And I managed to get all of my children home alive with all body parts intact and no duct tape on them!! :)